Image of Birch trunks in autumn and M Angelou quote

You left many reasons to be missed behind

Happy Birthday Chester Bennington. You left a lot reasons to be missed and we leave out all the rest!

video credit: Linkin Park via YouTube

When I’m writing, I’m constantly thinking about myself, because it’s the only experience I have to draw on. And I don’t see an exact reflection of myself in every face in the audience, but I know that my songs have validity to them, and that’s why the fans are there.

Chester Bennington via BrainyQuote

May you rest in peace!


Take five

dainty flowers
all in a row
so pretty
as I sit
Waiting for my dog
To finish his 5 minute run
around the garden
Dainty flowers
Smell so good
As I breathe
In their sweet aroma
Now it is time
To take 5
Go get a coffee
And then
Relax with my book

Developing our Voices or how to Manage our Worries

Two years ago I signed up for Rachel Kellys Newsletter (sign-up is at the bottom of the page). Rachel is an embassador for mental health and has experienced crippling depression about which she talked in the FutureLearn Course “Literature and Mental Health” by University of Warwick. If you live with a mental health condition then I can only advice you to take this course. It is for free (you can upgrade later for a small fee) and it gives you many many literary tools to ease the pain of bad mental health.

Last year Rachel was looking for beta readers for her latest book “Singing in the Rain” and I signed up to give feedback which was an incredible experience. Since several months the book is now available for example on Wordery and I had started to share its brilliant “exercises” on my “Mindful Music Monday Mug” series which currently has a break. I still want to share Rachel’s workbook though and hope I can entise you to buy it and get some more helpful advice on how to manage your wellbeing and mental health. It is great fun and offers great advice.  That is why I want to share a little more about her book here and there and today is one of those days 🙂 .

But first some words by Rachel about “Singing in the Rain”:

copyright: Rachel Kelly via YouTube

I am now at a new chapter in the book which is called “Developing your Voice” and the first part in this chapter is “Managing Worry”. Here Rachel explains her way of dealing with her worries frist thing in the morning. The chapter made me smile because she describes how according to family history her first words were something like “I worry about…” 🙂 .

Rachel gives her worries a so-called “Worry Window” first thing in the morning when she writes down all her worries of that day. She then figures out which worries have priority: Her mothers chemotherapy is more important than what to wear for the day. Now she focuses on the worries which have priority and figures out if she can do something about them or not. For those she can do something about she creates an action plan. If her worries come back later on she can focus on doing something as she writes all of it down rather than using up her energy for worrying.

What I really liked about her suggestions is how she deals with those priority worries that she can’t do anything about: She acknowledges that these worries are part of her mental landscape and acts upon them with compassion. Her preferred way is doing a meditation in which she concentrates on her breath and on the following words:

May I be safe from harm
May I be happy just as I am
May I be peaceful with whatever is happening.

I usually try to suppress these sort of worries and with that they become bigger and bigger. I suspect giving them a place in my mental landscape and being compassionate with myself will make them lose importance. Working with Mindfulness exercises have a similar effect.

Her book is a work book and so Rachel suggested how to write your worries down in the worry window:

photo of bookpage in "Singing in the Rain" by Rachel Kelly explaining how to write down worries and how to deal with them.

Copyright: Rachel Kelly

So if you are a worrier rather than a warrior then try out Rachels suggestions or better buy the book and gain lots of material to manage your wellbeing and mental health.

Happy Sunday to you all


Love & Rage!



I am not a health professional. My posts describe my thoughts, my experiences and my conclusions about life, mental health and self-improvement. My described actions always go alongside therapy and do not substitute professional advice by a health professional be it a doctor, therapist or counsellor.

I invite you to try out self-care tools, however, if any of these make you feel uncomfortable please stop and do not go further ahead. Also, if any of the tools suggested bring up issues that need dealing with do not hesitate to reach out for professional help. To recognise when you need to stop and when to reach out for professional or any other help is one important part to learn when it comes to self-care.

Please look here if you need further guidance:



Government of Canada


Book Review: “Becoming One ~ A Story of Triumph over Dissociative Identity Disorder” by Sarah E. Olson

I posted this first in April 2015

Book Cover Becoming One by Sarah E. Olson

Publisher: Swan Pond Press
Publishing Date: 14 November 2014
Edition: updated 2014 e-book edition of 1997 paperback
Genre: non-fiction
Formats: e-book, paperback
Source: review copy by author in return for an honest review

Bees: 6 out of 6

About the story:

This is Sarah E. Olson’s account of her healing journey from dissociated survivor of abuse by a family friend to becoming one. Sarah sought help for eating problems but was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Her therapist Howard Asher who wrote the foreword to this edition embarked very dedicated to the healing journey with her.

You are confronted with memories of the abuse, with the feelings connected and the development of healing in different ways: Sarah shows letters to her sisters and her therapist and transcriptions of her therapy sessions all connected with her account of what happened while doing therapy. She explains what happened to her while healing and describes the memory process.

About the author:

On Amazon it says about Sarah E. Olson:

“Sarah E. Olson is the author of “Becoming One: A Story Of Triumph Over Multiple Personality Disorder” (trade paperback published 1997) and has maintained an online presence since 1993. She just released her updated ebook edition “Becoming One: A Story Of Triumph Over Dissociative Identity Disorder.” The updated paperback edition will be published shortly.

Her blog ‘Third of a Lifetime’ contains a wealth of links pertaining to dissociation and PTSD. She also maintains on her blog the Dissociation Blog Showcase, an index of ~185 blogs which discuss dissociation primarily from a personal experience perspective.”


I have to admit I am doing something I usually don’t: I am writing this review before having read the whole book. I know some reviewers do this, but it does not feel right to me.

In this case, I decided differently because I can only read this book in small instalments. Being a survivor myself means reading about Sarah E. Olson’s healing journey activates my memories, new thoughts about my identity and a feeling of panic, fear, and chaos which for me is always connected with my past as well as new developments in my healing journey.

This book though deserves to be highlighted as it shows a very strong woman, who gives hope and encourages not to give in to one’s negative beliefs and that it is possible to overcome the hurdles of a survivor’s life and to become a thriver.

Honey Bees in the book:

“Becoming One” is a captivating book. It challenges one’s perception of “self” and “identity” as it is hard to understand that there can be more than one personality “living” in one body. The reality for many survivors of abuse though is that there are more than one living inside.

I love the way, how Sarah E. Olson changes between transcriptions of her therapy sessions with Howard Asher, her explanations of what happened in her life at that particular time, letters to her sisters and to her therapist as well as her own writings in those days.

She holds it all together in chapters that focus on different aspects of her healing like her resistance to the therapy process or hallucinations she experienced in one part of her healing.

This is a very positive book that emphasises the ability of survivors to overcome their survival strategies which have become troublesome. It certainly has started another process of healing in me. But it also describes what is necessary for this healing process. In the cases of survivors who have dissociated it means to have a dedicated therapist like Howard.

This is also a very courageous book: Sarah E. Olson shares very private experiences and writes about a syndrome that many do not believe exists: multiple personalities.

Stinging Bees in the book:

“Becoming One” is a tough book to read. The abuse she has gone through is so horrendous that I often have to skip reading about her memories. The unfairness of not being believed as a young child is hard to stomach. And it does trigger memories of own abuse if the reader is an abuse survivor.

And the mead of it all?

“Becoming One ~ A Story of Triumph over Dissociative Identity Disorder” is an important book to read especially today where the perceptions of abuse and how police, the justice system, and the public react on disclosures of abuse. Even though, it is a tough topic; this book is worth reading as it shows how you can change your life around no matter from what horrible past you suffer. And it explains many processes happening when you survive abuse to those who did not have to endure it. “Becoming One” is a book I will read on and off for the rest of my life.


Where to purchase “Becoming One ~ A Story of Triumph over Dissociative Identity Disorder”:

Amazon US
Amazon UK

For all Men who need to speak out and get help ~ #mentalhealth

I published this post first in October 2017

“Stephen Fry, Cedric Anselin, Prince Harry and many more did it! Get help for your #menalhealth”


video credit: Huffington Post via YouTube


Find help here:

International ~ Helplines on Mental Health Support

UK ~ Helplines on NHS page

US ~ Helplines on Getselfhelp

Australia ~ Helplines on Healthdirect





Good Morning Writers! ~ Embrace Your Inner Chimp

March 2019

I totally forgot this book. Haven’t read it but I liked the idea and it shaped my thought that we need to accept the fact that there is something very ancient working in our minds that often makes us react in unlogical ways.

November 2014

How is your writing going? Do you have new plans or are you still working on an old project? Do you achieve what you have planned or is your inner monkey playing you up?

Last week I saw Steve Peters on Russel Howard’s Good News. For all those who have never heard of the man: He is a psychiatrist who has worked for many years in Rampton high-security Hospital with patients with serious personality disorders. But he is most known for leading British cyclists Sir Chris Hoy and Victoria Pendleton to victory. He is also a teacher at Sheffield University.

His model of the human brain and how some parts of it can sabotage everything you want to achieve seems ingenious to me: According to Peters the human brain works in three parts:

– the chimp: emotion-driven, black & white thinking, 5 times faster reacting like the logical part
– the human: logic driven, thinking in different shades of grey, longing for self-fulfilment
– the computer: filing every experience ever made both good and bad.

Peters says that you cannot outsmart the chimp. It is that ancient part in our brains that is set on survival but if you know how to deal with it it can be your best friend.

The example goes like this: You have written your book and you edited it and now it is going out to publishers for publishing. Suddenly all your fears and anxieties pop up: I am not a good enough writer, my grammar is all wrong, my story has been written before. And you do not send it. That is the chimp part of your brain kicking in. There is only the perfect book (those of the others) or the worst book (yours). It is the chimps black & white thinking.

Peters says you cannot stop that. The chimp is too ancient to stop but you can give it some time and let it tell you everything it wants. Just let it all out. After that, after it feels like it is taken seriously the human part can kick in and bring in all the facts that show the opposite: The good grades you got in English, the competition you won… (If you have every had Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy you will recognise this system as questioning your own negative believes and changing them into positive ones.)

Then you allow yourself not to compare yourself to others but to only achieve your personal best. Do the best you can, get all the help you can and you’ll win. Well, yes, of course, this is just a simplified version of a long process but I think it can give you some ideas about how to work with your anxieties.

Fighting with depression and anxiety for many years I have experienced that suppressing these sabotaging emotions does not work at all. They come out one way or the other anyway. But giving them a voice, giving that inner child the feeling it is heard and taken seriously makes it much more able to work in your favour.

Of course, this is not that easy to do this: It is a process that needs years of training to recognise you own chimps and finding ways to make them feel happy and work with you, but it is possible as athletes like Hoy and Pendleton have shown.

And I encourage you to take good care of your inner chimp, inner child, and inner artists to get you to the best result that you can possibly achieve. May your writing be blessed this week.

video source: Improvement Psychology via YouTube

If you want to learn more about Steve Peters “The Chimp Paradox” find the book and others here


Steve Peters on Wikipedia

Survivor Saturday ~ Helplines & Homepages to get you through holidays and other tough times

January 2019

I know Christmas is over but you might need help at all times of the year. That is why I post this one again in January.

December 2016

Christmas is supposed to be a time of cheerfulness and happy experiences. The sad truth is though that, Christmas is a difficult time if you are a survivor of abuse. So often abuse has happened more at any holiday and of course at Christmas too so memories might surface and give you trouble.

You might still be in contact with the abuser/s and might see them at the holidays and further abuse might happen in different forms. And it is a stressful time anyway so memories find their way in easier. It is also a difficult time for parents and partners of survivors of abuse.

A few years ago I did a post about helplines who can be there to support you if you are in distress or in crisis or someone you love is. Unfortunately, I lost it but I thought today is a good time to do another one.

Well, one post is too small to post global helplines so I had a look at my stats and chose to write for those countries where most of my readers come from.

But no matter, if I have a helpline for you or not, please remember: This problem is only temporary. Life will get better and you are strong enough and have enough resources inside yourself to get through this.

It’s not about Christmas I admit but still helpful :-). Video credit: Trauma Recovery University via YouTube

And here are a few resources that will help you this Christmas (and any other holiday in any religion):


Resource: The Survivors Trust

The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC)

Call 0808 801 0331 free from all landlines and mobiles
NAPAC provides a national freephone support line for adults who have suffered any type of abuse in childhood.
Telephone support line opening hours: Monday – Thursday 10:00am-9.00pm and Friday 10.00am-6.00pm/ no information about Christmas opening times

SurvivorsUK Helpline Web Chat

National Helpline Web Chat for adult male survivors of rape or sexual
Monday – Friday 10.30 – 21:00; Saturday – Sunday 10:00 – 18:00/no information about Christmas opening times

MOSAC (Mothers of Sexually Abused Children)  0800 980 1958

Supporting all non-abusing parents and carers whose children have been sexually abused. We provide various types of support services and information for parents, carers and professionals dealing with child sexual abuse.
Website: Unfortunately, the helpline moves and is not available from December 16th up to January.

SupportLine 01708 765200

Confidential emotional support to children, young adults and adults by telephone, email and post.
Website: No information of Christmas opening times

CISters  (Surviving Rape and/or Sexual Abuse) 02380 338080

Answerphone 023 80 338080 is usually monitored daily during the week and callers can choose to leave their name and phone number, and we will call them back and will take care when doing so. Or can email

The helpline is available to female adult survivors of childhood rape/sexual abuse, and others can call if they have a concern about such issues.  In the case of the latter we will seek to signpost them to appropriate services. No information about Christmas opening times

PODS: Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors
A project of Survivors Trauma and Abuse Recovery Trust (START)

PODS works to make recovery from dissociative disorders a reality through training, informing and supporting.
Helpline: 0800 181 4420 – Tuesdays 6-8pm or appointments at other times by contacting the office
Email:  (for START) or (for PODS)
Website: and

US & Canada:

Resourse: Isurvive

The Sex Abuse Treatment Center

We help adults, teenagers and children; both females and males.

55 Merchant Street, 22nd Floor

Honolulu, Hawaii 96813

24/7 Crisis Hotline; 1-808-524-7273

Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA)
Offers self-help twelve-step recovery program for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Defines incest and child abuse broadly. Provides general information, as well as information on how to start a new support group.
World Service Office
P.O. Box 190
Benson, MD 21018-9998
(410)- 893-3322

Incest Survivors Anonymous (ISA)
Self-help, mutual-help twelve-step support groups for survivors. For groups & meeting information and literature write them, (specify you are a survivor) or call.
P.O. Box 17245
Long Beach, CA. 90807-7245

RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network )
Operates the U.S. National Sexual Assault Hotline and also provides a 24 live secure online hotline for victims, friends and family. Offers support and information about individual/group counseling, medical attention, reporting a crime, finding shelter and many other services.
2000 L Street NW, Suite 406
Washington, DC 20036
(800)-656-HOPE or 4673 (24 hour hotline) (24 hour online hotline)

Women Organized Against Rape (WOAR)
(215)-985-3333 (24 hour hotline)

They provide crisis intervention services to help survivors who have recently been sexually assaulted.
They also provide counseling and advocacy for survivors of sexual assault and sexual abuse, community education and public information about sexual violence.
One Penn Center
1617 JFK Boulevard Suite 1100
Philadelphia, PA 19103
(215)-985-9111 fax

Domestic Violence Survival
(800)- 799-7233(SAFE)
(800)-621-4673 (HOPE) in NY
Information and referrals to shelters, crisis, long and short-term counseling, legal assistance, document replacement, lock replacement

Sources for Domestic Violence Prevention from
List of over 100 organizations throughout the U.S. that offer counseling, advice, and even shelter to members of families where domestic violence has occurred. The sources listed include: advocates for better policies and social support systems, 24 hour hotlines and crisis counselors, and organizations that support and help domestic violence victims in their healing and recovery psychologically.

Safe Horizon
Safe Haven provides resources for domestic violence, rape, sexual assault and incest victims. NY Area programs include services for domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, child abuse, stalking, human trafficking, and homeless youths.
2 Lafayette Street
New York, NY 10007
(212)-385-0331 fax

YWCA Rape Crisis Center
Area programs include a 24-hour crisis line for survivors, family members, and friends, accompaniment of survivors to hospital and through the reporting and judicial process, peer support groups, child abuse and assault prevention programs and free confidential crisis counseling.
375 South Third Street
San Jose, CA 95112
(800)-572-2782 (domestic violence crisis line)
(408)-287-3000 (24 hour rape crisis line)
(650)-493-7273 (24 hour rape crisis line)

The Sexual Assault Crisis Center
Programs include state-wide Spanish and English 24-hour hotlines, individual short-term counseling, support groups, advocacy and benefit assistance.
1 Dock Street, Suite 320
Stamford , CT 06902
(888)-999-5545 (24-hour hotline, English)
(888)-568-8332 (24-hour hotline, Spanish)

Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests- SNAP
SNAP provides support and knowledge to all victims of clergy abuse and advocates helping ensure that in future generations, children will be safe. (U.S. & Canada)
PO Box 6416
Chicago, IL 60680-6416
(312) 455-1499
(877) 762-7432

Gift From Within (GFW)
This site is dedicated to those who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), those at risk for PTSD, and those who care for traumatized individuals. Articles, book reviews, coping ideas poetry and peer support through the pal network for women suffering from PTSD.
16 Cobb Hill Rd.
Camden, Maine 04843
Fax: (207)-236-2818

Pandora’s Project
This site provides support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. Included are articles and resources as well as a support forum and chat area. It is one of the few forum sites open to minor survivors (16 and older).
3109 W. 50th Street, Suite #320
Minneapolis, MN 55410
(612)-234-4204 is the largest consumer mental health site, providing comprehensive, trusted information on psychological disorders and psychiatric medications from both a consumer and expert point of view. They have an active mental health social network for support, online psychological tests, breaking mental health news, mental health videos, our documentary films, a live mental health TV show, unique tools like our “mediminder” and more.

video credit: Rachel Platten via YouTube


Resourse: Isurvive

ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse), Australia
ASCA is a national organization which works to improve the lives of adult survivors of child abuse throughout Australia. Resources include: daily safety tools, crisis help, court info, ASCA workshops, etc.
PO Box 597
Milsons Point
NSW 1565
(02) 8920 3611

ACSSA (Australian Institute of Family Studies), Australia
ACSSA is a central collection point for research, information and resources about sexual assault in Australia. Their resources include crisis support for adult survivors of sexual abuse.
Level 20 South Tower
485 La Trobe Street
Ph: +61 3 9214 7888,  Fax: +61 3 9214 7839

1800RESPECT, Australia
National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service for people living in Australia. They assist people who have been or who are affected by sexual assault, domestic or family violence by providing online and telephone counseling. Resources are also available for loved ones and professionals.
PO Box 4069 Lane Cove
NSW 2066
Ph: 1800 737 732

China: Sorry, I could not find any helplines for survivors


Beijing Suicide Research and Prevention Center Hotline
Hotline: Free: 0800-810-1117
Hotline: Mobile/IP/extension users: 010-8295-1332

Lifeline Shanghai
Contact by: – Phone
Hotline: (21) 63798990

Lifeline Yanji
Contact by: – Phone
Hotline: (0433) 273 9595
Mon: 08:00 – 16:00
Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 08:00 – 16:00

Video Credit: Xavier Naido via YouTube

Germany: Links are in German

Resource: Dissoziation und
Bundesweite Hilfe für Mißbrauchsopfer (auch Männer): Tel. 0700-73353644
e-mail-Beratung unter:
Die bedeutendste Kontakt- und Informationsstelle gegen sexuellen Mißbrauch an Mädchen und Jungen. Ist seit 20 Jahren tätig und macht viel Öffentlichkeitsarbeit
Bundesverband autonomer Frauenberatungsstellen und Frauennotrufe; Kontakte zu regionalen parteilich-feministischen und patriarchatskritischen Projekten und Beratungsstellen, insbesondere auch im Zusammenhang mit sexualisierter Gewalt. Öffentlichkeitsarbeit. Beratung auch auf englisch und türkisch
Hilfe bei häuslicher Gewalt gegen Frauen, telefonisch 030/6110300 (täglich 9-24 Uhr), falls erforderlich, mit Dolmetscherinnen (in 51 Sprachen). Unterstützung für Angehörige und soziale Einrichtungen, online- und e-mail-Beratung

And you can find many more helplines of different countries but mainly for mental health problems at Together We Are Strong



Dark Tea Time of the Soul…

December 2018

This was first posted in July 2016. It is unedited and I left it in this raw form…

July 2016

A cycle is over. I have been fairly happy for some time but as soon as I felt the need of a blogging break I knew what was coming.

The long dark night of my soul.

It’s not as long as it used to be but it feels a lot more volatile. Literally more volatile.

I used to be depressed and anxious all the time. It started just after my mother passed away and I became a teenager. I fought a turmoil of feelings every night before I went to bed.

Crying, biting my hands or arms to not scream the pain and rage I was feeling out into the world. Every night for about 4 years. It still happened after that but not as often.

With an enormous amount of energy I built an armour around my feelings that let myself come across as cold at times.

I didn’t feel the pain or rage anymore but I couldn’t reach the happy places either. The only way to survive was becoming a human puppet that acted like everything was OK but nothing was.

Imagine the worst day and in your life. Imagine how you felt at that day. Then imagine you carry these feelings inside every day but never show them and get on with life like nothing has happened. Imagine how much energy you need to contain all those feelings.

That’s how I was when I met my husband. Then a miracle happened.

That armour broke bit by bit. Allowing myself to live the dream of going to Britain and after a volatile relationship at last finding the person I was waiting for all of my life cracked it open.

Writing about my experiences and therapy were me actively helping to break it down. After I experienced EMDR therapy most of that armour was gone.

And I had expected to be happy at last. I expected to lay that turmoil to rest and live, love and achieve more of my dreams.

What I didn’t expect was that that rage and turmoil stubbornly sticks to me like old chewing gum.

Don’t get me wrong: I am happy and that turmoil is quiet most of the time but it does raise it’s head every now and then just to remind me where I come from. It is not at rest yet.

I need to have a look at it. Feelings and situations that stubbornly crop up time and time again are meant to teach us something.

But as they are usually uncomfortable we prefer to look away. And when we look away they come back with a vengeance.

That turmoil comes back with a huge vengeance to me. I couldn’t look at it when I was a teenager but it has come back to haunt me. It demands it now that I can live and do not only survive anymore.

Can you see the irony???

It’s been a long journey since my mother passed away and I was crying every night for years.

If I am honest I haven’t done too bad. I managed a good education, got a degree, have always worked at least a little bit, have an amazing family, managed to immigrate and write. I have no alcohol or drug problem but you do have to pay a price for surviving.

You have to pay a price for not giving up on life and your fellow humans.

The price is that at one point you have to have a look at the long dark tea time of your soul and figure out where the silverlining is.

That my dear readers is a terrifying prospect. If you feel as deeply and passionately as I do the rage is enormous.

Its a dinosaur stomping at you in a small alley and there is no way out than facing it and fighting. Fighting to the death.

And I am not sure if I am ready for it. But my rage has thrown the gauntlet and its not going away.

I don’t give a FU..!

December 2018

I wasn’t sure if I should re-post this one at its original date, or now in December. I decided to do it now because December is a time for so many when depression and suicidal thoughts take over and win. If you feel that there is no hope, please do not stay alone. At the end of this post is a link to one of my Pinterest boards that contain help-lines for mental health problems and suicide prevention lines. My latest suicidal episode was last December and only the strong embrace of the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson Voice) in the World stopped me from ending all this pain that I am still fighting every day. You are not alone! There is help! There are people who understand and who can get you out of that dark pit.

and sorry for my bad language…

August 2014

As I stated last night: I did not want to write about Robin Williams death. But reading a compassionless Facebook status yesterday and Cheryl Fassett’s blog post “Behind the brightest smiles” made me realise I do want to write about it.

I am still very sad about the fact that that person wrote this kind of comment. Looks to me like he found that funny and there were people agreeing with him and commenting something like: “You should rather mourn those poor children in war zones and poverty than a celebrity”. My opinion is though that those who really feel for Robin Williams also feel and probably often do a lot for those poor children. Besides, does it give those children more to eat or save them from war when you make compassionless comments about Robin Williams death?

I read an advice quite often lately: “If you cannot say something nice ~ say nothing at all” and I think that would be something good to teach our children and I am sure I make all those sarcastic “realists” out there cringe and laugh at me. I do not give a FU..!

What I give a FU.. about is the fact that one of the best comedians of our time had to fight so hard and long against an illness that is so riddled with taboos and the stigma that goes with it that he gave up in the end!

What I give a FU.. about is the realisation that I have been there too. When my mother passed away, I was thinking about it long and hard, but my survival instinct was too strong to give up. In my twenties when some haunting memories came back, I had the knife in my hand and at my arteries ( I didn’t know it would not really have worked anyway). Again, my survival instinct was too strong and I thank god and the universe every day that I am blessed with such a strong survival instinct and that my depression is not that bad.

But I have been there and I know it might come back any time. I also know what it means when you see no help anywhere, no matter how many loved ones are around you or how brilliant your life is. You know all this, but it does not weigh the desperation and dread up that you feel. There are no words to describe that. You need to be in a very, very bad state to be able to go against your survival instinct.

The hopelessness that you are in is a bottomless hole and nothing good in your life will fill it. There is nothing you can do about it no matter how reality looks like. And that is what people who do not suffer from any mental health issue do not understand: There is nothing you can do about the way life looks to you.

Yes, with therapy, medication and hopefully understanding family and friends you learn to see the warning signs and start using tools to not let that state win but it will always be there and pop up again and again. You have to be constantly on your toes, to watch yourself and make sure you do not let your guards down to let the black dog win. Only those living with it know how much energy that needs and how strong these people are who manage to live a normal life despite the blackness in their hearts.

Maybe that is why Robin Williams was such a great artist and comedian: Because he knew of that darkness. He knew it intimately and being funny was the only way to deal with it. And maybe his death allows us to openly discuss what depression and other mental health issues really mean and it will make those not suffering from it aware of how cruel they sometimes react and get a little glimpse of understanding from it. That I give a FU.. about too!

If you need help ~ please do not stay alone:

Pinterest board with helplines from all over the world