I am still working on this topic but it’s on another level now. Not quite sure where but I am moving on…
For a while, my poems will be very personal. I am in another stage of healing from old wounds and poetry has always helped me to figure things out. Now I know many think that personal poems can’t be good ones. But I disagree.
I believe some of the best poetry came from healing or dealing with life. Think about any famous love poem. I doubt it would have depth if the person writing it would not have loved and lost.
One question that occupies me a lot is why it is so hard for me to deal with pressure. Now, of course, it is hard for everybody to deal with pressure and stress but I realised that things get a feel of “It’s a question of life and death” for me when the going gets tough.
Usually, of course, I connect it with experiences of abuse but I realised it was only connected indirectly. I remembered that I made a deal with God: I would be good, do nothing wrong and asked him to save my mother who suffered from cancer.
When she passed away, I passed away. At least that trusting child that believed that God would do everything to make things alright again. A lot inside of me died on that day, and I nearly did as well.
The day of her funeral defined me I belief. I did not die. At least not my bodily form but something inside of me was lost on that day. I also believe that I developed a belief that if I do not succeed in something or if I do something wrong it will cause something really horrible. It will cause death.
Of course, this is not rational at all. We are not only rational creatures after all. The question is now: How can I deal with this irrational idea? Will it be enough to know that there is this deeply buried belief and reassure me it’s not a question of life and death?