Hello my dear friends, how are you doing? I hope all is well in your neck of the woods and if not feel embraced and blessed.
This morning I had the chance to watch the first episode of “Citizen Rose” in which Rose McGowan tells her story. I am rather torn. I expected to be motivated to act and be in my truth but to be honest I do not find her particularly empowering. I agree with many of her statements and she expresses so many feelings that I feel but I somehow cannot fully connect with her and her story. I can’t figure out why. Not that this would make a difference.
Pondering about my feelings I figured I am jealous. Maybe she is the sort of person I would like to be. Take no shit, feel and express your rage but at the same time be incredibly vulnerable. And do your thing.
She talks to actress Asia Argento who emphasized that she is not a victim but victorious to have survived rape and abuse. Rose tells her: “But I am a victim also. I can be a victim and at the same time victorious, strong and brave”. That made me pause for a moment because I think she spoke great truth there.
We do not become thrivers when we have our shit together and found our quest. We become thrivers when we accept that we are victims but at the same time strong and brave.
Rose also said at one point that a part of her died when she got raped. A part of her was left behind in that room where it happened. That is exactly how I feel. My whole life and especially the last couple of years are a quest to get that part back. But maybe that part is dead and I have to let go and mourn it. Or maybe I can choose the narrative I am telling myself and my life changes accordingly? What do you think?
Over at “Bee Coding & SelfCaring” I wrote about narratives and about accepting our own cycles of productivity. It seems to me that accepting all of ourselves, the light and dark parts, are the ticket to a fulfilled life. It’s a process I guess. Maybe it is life. Who knows?
How strange that today’s “Blast from the Past” also talks about what I want to stand for and accepting myself:
I still feel I haven’t fully answered this question 😦
As I am thinking about today’s poem, I am listening to Fun’s “Some Nights”. One line in this song is this: “I don’t know what I stand for…”.
This line has always struck me as important. Well, important to me I suspect. What do I stand for?
In the last few years, I have learned that I see myself a lot worse than others see me. I mostly feel that I succeed in nothing, am a burden to everyone and that I am worth nothing. The legacy of a difficult childhood.
But since last year my focus has changed a lot. It is much more: What do I want to stand for? What are my values? And put my money where my mouth is!
It is a relief not to worry so much what others think of me. All of us do silly things and are a burden sometimes, but we are also a help to others and achieve good things. There are always two sides to a coin and, even though, there is this shadow in ourselves we are not only this shadow!
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Have a wonderful day and don’t forget
Love & Rage my friends Love & Rage